Wait, don’t answer that. Cuz I wanna write this anyway. I’ve got a lot of feelings and I want to get them out.
IT WILL NEVER BE OVER. I spent 3.5 incredibly emotional hours talking to Chelsea on Monday so we could get ready for mediation on Tuesday. It was up and down and all over the place. We fought, we laughed, we talked about GoT, we yelled at each other, we made progress and then immediately regressed, we cried, we hugged, we held each other. Every time it seemed like “wow, I think we’re gonna be ok,” it was immediately followed by something terribly hurtful. Like the fact that she STILL thinks I’m mentally unstable. STILL. Like, this isn’t just a ploy for custody anymore. She acts like I’m crazy and at any moment I could do something that would harm my son, the thing I love and cherish most in this world. Which is why she told me that it was very important that the parenting agreement state explicitly that she has the final say in any major decisions IN CASE MY MENTAL STATE IMPAIRS ME FROM AGREEING WITH HER. Whatever.
Then Tuesday I spent 4.5 hours at the courthouse going through dumb, petty, sad, depressing, dumb, petty bullshit. The most hurtful part of it? The part where she wanted to cut out the sentence saying that we both agree that the other is a fit parent. She didn’t want to say it. I didn’t say anything about it. I didn’t fight it. Because it’s petty and it’s bullshit, but God it was also PAINFUL. Fuck. So fucking painful. And then right after that she made a JOKE, I guess to break the tension? But I wasn’t in the mood. ANd then her LAWYER made a joke about me! And instead of saying “Shut the fuck up Todd” like I wanted to, I sat quietly and told him with my eyes. Then I got up and left for a few minutes. Just walked around the courthouse trying to calm down. I finally came back in and we STILL had like an hour left because she wanted to sit and argue over exactly what are the “major decisions” that she has final say over. Oh and also, she didn’t think it was necessary to have the paragraph that said either parent is allowed to request a background check on any adult that shares a residence with Ethan because it made Todd “uncomfortable.” (I didn’t give that up tho- because WHO THE FUCK WOULD? Good GOD it’s such an easy, tiny little precaution to try and keep our son SAFE. FUCK!)
But hey, it was “over.” I mean, I knew it wasn’t over. With joint custody, it never is. I know that I’m still going to have to deal with her for the next 14 years, that I’m going to have to meet Todd, and probably whoever comes after Todd. But, still, at least this was done for now. BUT ITS NEVER OVER.
Tonight she texts me “oh by the way, something I forgot about the papers yesterday was me requesting a note from your therapist. Would you be ok including that in there?”
WHAT. THE. FUCK. Goddamnit. Even after everything we did, she STILL wants me to know that she thinks I’m crazy. Still. And I mean, it just seems insulting at this point. It feels like she didn’t get enough shots in and wanted one more. Because what is the point at this point??? Truth is, I already got a letter from my therapist that spoke to my mental state, just in case we had to go to court. But that letter is addressed to the Third District Court of Salt Lake City, and you never asked for it, and we already signed all the papers, so you can fuck right off. I get that you were concerned about some of my behaviors but I was concerned about you introducing Ethan to guy you just met, letting that guy sleep over, and having Ethan sleep over at his place, and you lying about ALL OF IT, and yet I never fucking asked you to get a doctor’s note to prove your sanity. FUCK YOU you cunt ass bitch.
BYTHEWAY the thing that made her “realize how bad [I was]” was that I cried in front of her after we had sat next to each other for an hour to file our taxes and at the end she let me know that she didn’t care if I died. And I knew she meant it. And it just (finally) hit me: she does. not. love. you anymore man. And I just started crying. Hard. And I walked away so I wouldn’t have to do it in front of her. But I couldn’t stop. So I walked back, and put Ethan in the car, and drove off with him, while still crying. And she told me that she was worried about Ethan’s safety. And at that point she started keeping Ethan from me until she decided that I was “mentally emotionally fit” enough for her to “trust [me] as a reliable parent for Ethan.”
That was in March. Because of that, I filed for divorce (she never had). After our first court date, she started playing nice. She was suddenly so reasonable and suddenly ok with me having Ethan. And now that it’s all “over” SHE STILL WANTS ME TO KNOW that in her opinion, I’m not a fit parent. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU. God it’s so condescending and insulting and infuriating. She hurts me and hurts me and hurts me and when I act hurt, she goes, “LOOK! SEE! Look how CRAAAAZY he is!!” And she wants me to believe it. AND I SORT OF DO. I think every parent is self-conscious. Every parent thinks they’re a failure, or is at least scared that they might be. It’s such an easy target, what a fucking hack. So even if I tell myself it’s not true, it’s impossible not to be hurt by it. Just to know that this person who I LOVED, this person who knows me so well, this person who spent 7 years with me, who made a child with me, and watched me raise that child, thinks that I’m a bad parent. God. It just hurts.
Thanks for letting me type this all out loud. Planet of the Apes was good. Atomic Blonde was ok. Trump is bad. I’ve got a show this friday. What else do you wanna talk about?